Too Dear!

"Too Dear!" is a witty social satire by Leo Tolstoy that highlights the absurdity of a tiny kingdom's legal and administrative systems. The story is set in Monaco, described as a "toy kingdom" so small that if its 7,000 inhabitants were divided the land, there wouldn't be an acre for each. Despite its size, the Prince of Monaco lives like a real king, with a palace, courtiers, ministers, a small army of sixty men, and various taxes on tobacco, wine, and spirits. However, the kingdom's unique source of revenue is a "gaming house" where people play roulette. This gambling house is the only one of its kind left in Europe, providing a large sum of profit to the Prince, which he uses to maintain his royal lifestyle.

The peace of this kingdom is shattered when a murder is committed, an event unheard of in Monaco. The murderer is caught and sentenced to death by the court. However, the Prince soon realizes that Monaco has neither a guillotine nor an executioner. He writes to the French government, which asks for 16,000 francs to lend a machine and an expert. The Prince finds this "too dear," noting that it would cost more than two francs per head of the population, which might cause a riot. He then asks the King of Italy, who offers a cheaper rate of 12,000 francs. Still, the Prince rejects it as too expensive. Even the soldiers refuse to perform the execution, saying they were never taught how to cut a man's head off.

To save money, the Council decides to change the death sentence to life imprisonment. They find a small lock-up and place a guard over the prisoner. However, after a year, the Prince discovers that the cost of the guard and the prisoner's food exceeds 600 francs annually. Worse, the prisoner is young and healthy and might live for another fifty years. Desperate to cut costs, the Council dismisses the guard, hoping the prisoner will simply run away.

To their surprise, the prisoner does not leave. He goes to the palace kitchen to fetch his own food and returns to his cell every night. When the Minister of Justice asks him why he won't run away, the prisoner gives a logical reply: the kingdom has ruined his reputation, and he has nowhere to go. He complains that he was treated unfairly because they didn't execute him when they had the chance and then took away his guard. Finally, the Council offers him an annual pension of 600 francs to leave. The prisoner agrees, receives one-third of his pension in advance, and emigrates just across the frontier. He buys a bit of land, starts market gardening, and lives comfortably, occasionally visiting the gaming tables to stake a few francs. The story ends with the ironic observation that it was a good thing he didn't commit his crime in a country where they don't grudge the expense of execution.