Post Early for Christmas
by R. H. Wood
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This one-act comedy is set inside a small English village post office in the busy Christmas season, and centres on a parcel mistaken for a time-bomb. A young lady Assistant serves a stream of quirky customers: the punctual Mrs Smith, the rude Mrs Jones who posts late and demands care, a comically deaf Old Gentleman who mishears everything, a fussy Old Lady who confuses the post office with an animal clinic, and Mrs Higgins with her cheeky son Bertie. A Farmer reads out a newspaper warning that a time-bomb disguised as a Christmas parcel has been found in a London post office, joking that such bombs 'tick' before they go off. Then a dark, sinister Foreign Tourist posts a heavy, carefully packed parcel, anxiously asking whether it will be safe, opened or stolen, and leaves his gloves behind. Soon Bertie notices the parcel is ticking; panic spreads, everyone takes cover, and a Policeman is fetched. As the Policeman prepares to open it and throws it into a bucket of water, the Tourist rushes back for his gloves, only to reveal that the 'bomb' is a beautiful clock from Switzerland, now ruined. The furious Tourist threatens to sue and swears never to post in this country again, while the exasperated Assistant quits to work at the animal dispensary, because 'animals don't do such silly things'.
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'Post Early for Christmas' by R. H. Wood is a one-act comedy set in a small English village post office during the busy Christmas rush. Its humour arises from a gallery of eccentric customers and a parcel that is mistaken for a time-bomb.
A parade of odd customers
A young lady Assistant serves one funny customer after another: the sensible Mrs Smith who posts early; the rude Mrs Jones who posts late yet demands her parcels be handled carefully; a very deaf Old Gentleman who mishears 'book' as 'cook', 'bed' and 'Ted'; a fussy Old Lady who mistakes the post office for an animal clinic and seeks help for her cat Tiddles; and the loud Mrs Higgins with her cheeky, mischievous son Bertie.
The bomb scare begins
A Farmer reads aloud a newspaper report: a time-bomb disguised as a Christmas parcel has been found in a London post office, and any suspicious parcel should be reported. He jokes that time-bombs 'usually begin to tick just before they go off'. Soon after, a dark, sinister Foreign Tourist posts a heavy, well-packed parcel, anxiously asking whether it will be handled carefully, opened or stolen, and leaves his gloves behind. His strange manner makes the Assistant shudder.
Panic and the comic revelation
Bertie notices the parcel is making a ticking noise. Everyone hears it; panic spreads and they take cover, while Bertie is sent to fetch a Policeman. The Policeman begins to unwrap the parcel and the Assistant brings a bucket of water. Just then the Tourist returns for his gloves, is stopped, and the Policeman throws the parcel into the bucket.
The Tourist takes it out and holds up, a beautiful clock, brought all the way from Switzerland and now ruined. Furious, he threatens to sue everyone, swears never to post anything in this country again and to see the Postmaster General. The exasperated Assistant puts on her coat and leaves the post office for ever to work at the animal dispensary, saying 'Animals don't do such silly things.'